I try to have a rhythm for what I post: self-care, inspiration, design, my brides and some personal thoughts. "Don't mix personal with business..." I hear in the back of my mind. But I've never been able to keep them separate. And today especially. It has been a day of blurry vision and a few tears. So I invite you to sit with me in it all.
About five years ago I went through one of the toughest situations I had ever gone through. I had no words and I didn't know what to do. Then my husband gently said to me, "Hey, why don't you go dance?" It's always been how I found my words, how I process. There happened to be a dance therapy class that night, so I went. The exercise was to grab a cloth in the color that represented how you felt and start moving. I grabbed a white cloth because all I wanted to feel was whole. All I wanted to feel was peace. As I moved about the room, I realized all of my movement looked like I was cleaning up, wiping something away.
I wanted so deeply to fix it all - To quickly make my life clean and presentable (my '3' coming in strong). All the while I was leaving little pieces of me scattered about it in the mess. After what felt like hours I felt something begin to shift in me. My movement began to shift. I was still holding that cloth, but I held it confidently as it now represented my peace. My heart got lighter, words started coming to me - a release happened.
Yesterday I showed a friend this picture of me that was taken by my husband in Merzouga, Morocco. I told her how I carry my wedding dress around with me in my backpack when I travel. The fabric is so great it can honestly fit in my purse and doesn't get wrinkled :) It sounds strange, (she thought it was) but I'm a strange little bird and, honestly, I just like slipping it on as a challenge to see where I can... in a tree in Africa over some elephants, in a castle in Spain...I've posted a few before.
Lately, I've been examining myself. Laying Whitney out on the table to sort through to see what she needs to hold onto or leave behind. It has brought on a lot of tears. Today, between timelines and stations lists, I sat on the bottom of the shower with my ears plugged feeling the water. And I was thinking "WHY do I bring my dress around the world with me? What started that?"
Then so clearly the answer came to me: "It has been you learning how to hold on to who you are, wherever you are."
The tears poured.
Life is tough. Hard things happen that pull you out of rhythm. Life gets messy. But breathe. Over time things will mend. Messes will dissolve. Don't lose sight of who you are.
How do you find your breath again? How do you hold onto your peace?
Love who you are. Hold it close. Make time for it... dance with it. Choose yourself.
I realized yesterday that these words lead in well to a new project I am introducing today. Another realm of events that have organically blossomed over these last few months. The first one being event producing for a dear friend’s incredibly talented dance company, Numinous Flux. My first show with them will be this summer. The heart of Breathe is to raise awareness around the stigma of mental health in our community and provide resources for people to better take care of themselves. - Follow @numinous_flux for more information.